The Tide Has Changed, My Only Love is Gone

A NEW LIFE

February 17, 2009

February 22,2009
Hello Sweetheart. I miss you so much. Every second I see, hear, feel or smell something that reminds me of you. When I hear something interesting I think that I need to remember and tell you when I get home. So far seeing your pictures and the things that surrounded you mostly make me smile, with just a little knot in my stomach. Occasionally something shocks me into remembrance and the tears flow. Like seeing an incoming call on my phone from your cell number. I had forgotten that Tim was using it for a while. It sure would be nice to be able to get you on the phone. We have had some pretty romantic calls over the years. I love the sound of your voice. I love to close my eyes and listen to you daydream of things that you would like to do. I’m sorry those dreams have not all been fulfilled, but I have a feeling that what you are doing is much more important than our trip around the country in our new motor home. I love you. I miss you telling me that so often. You were so awesome, holding my hand, kissing my forehead, whispering I love you in my ear and getting very fresh, very often.
So far things have felt like a big party with all our loved ones around us. Lots of food, friendship, phone calls, and gifts coming daily. It just feels like you are going to walk in the door any minute and take me in your arms. The hurt and loneliness has not settled in full force yet. There have been way too many things to do and places to go. Tomorrow I am taking the grandkids back to VA. Tim said he would go and drive me. It will be a very long ride without you.
Our hometeacher came over and worked for several hours on the water. He unfroze the pipes and wrapped them in heat tape to keep them from freezing again. The sewer is still going very slow but I think it is frozen again. It will be warmer this weekend. Maybe that will defrost it.
I love you so.


February 25, 2009

Despair. A small word, only two insignificant syllables, hardly noticeable in the great Webster’s Dictionary unless it is the word that plunges itself into your already wounded heart with unbelievable force spreading like a California wildfire to every pore in your quaking body. Despair can leave a mighty man weak, a secure person unstable and a sane being traumatized. Despair is the loss of hope, total dejection, wallowing in the gloomy depths of misery and anguish. Despair is the drop of moisture that extinguishes the last glimmer from the candle of possibility. Despair is the darkness in the center of the tunnel, with no end in sight.

Prior to writing these words we had been plagued with such things as frozen water pipes for five weeks, sewer pipes frozen or clogged, my husband’s inability to make things better, which made his situation worse. Many other things popped their slimy head up to watch us squirm in hopes we would collapse and be devoured by the adversary, but we never quite sunk that low.
Since that time my car has broken down, work on the plumbing has brought little change, our visitors had to deal with flat tires, blown car engine, a hospitalized baby, the flu and the tragic loss of my beloved husband, Barney.
The odd thing is, I no longer feel the despair. I know that somewhere out there life goes on and we will make it through each day, one breath at a time. I know that some days the breaths will have to be forced, the steps initiated and every moment painfully planned to get to the next.
Amid these trials, have come incredible blessings that soften the blows. I know that I am not exempt from the natural processes of life. God does not shield one from pain and leave the next to suffer. We each have our own Gethsemane to conquer. I just hope and pray that I will climb my mountain gracefully enough that others might be able to follow the path I have left behind.


Hello Sweetheart.
This has been my worst day yet, but it did improve this evening. I felt your arms around me as I sat outside of the store. I mentioned in a prayer that I was nervous about going back to work tomorrow, and immediately your warmth spread throughout my body. The blessing was received, even without words I knew you were praying for me and blessing me with all you could. I marvel at the kindness of our Heavenly Father and His tenderness. I don’t know why I am so loved and blessed, but it is very apparent that as many people on the other side of the veil love me as do the ones on this side.
My prayer is to endure to the end. I worry that I will make mistakes or have poor judgment and not be able to make it back to your waiting arms. I had a dream a few weeks ago that I did something wrong, made a wrong choice, and in doing that opened the door to many more bad calls. I walk cautiously to avoid opening that door. At this time I’m not sure I would have the strength or forbearance to recover and return to the right path that will lead me back into your arms.
It is so hard without you. I was totally dependent on you. I leaned on you for everything. I know we are not to put out trust in the arm of man, but it was what I knew. You taught me, raised me from a youth. Now I must live in the shadow of all that you are. Your shoes are way too big for me to fill, but I will try to make you proud.
I love you more every day.

Feb.28, 2009
My Dearest Sweetheart,
Thank you for coming to my aid each time I need you. Thank you for always being on my side. Thank you for a lifetime filled with unconditional love and devotion. Thank you for accepting me the way I am. I know that I did not appreciate all that you did for me while you were here. I was haunted with memories of the past and did not do well at forgetting the infractions that had caused me pain. I am sorry. I really have forgiven and I hope, no I know that you have forgiven me, for that is your nature to do so.
This has been a rough week, but I have felt your arms encasing me in the tough parts. I know you cannot be here all the time, you have much work to catch up on from the 19 years you petitioned and Heavenly Father allowed you to stay after you were suppose to go. I am proud of you and your righteousness. You serve as great example to me, our children and all those you come in contact with.
I know you know about my car braking down and spending $200.00 for the EMT to supposidly tow fix it and it still doesn’t run. The Bishop is working hard to help get it going. He is really trying hard to help us. He is a good man.I really miss the van. I hate being dependent on others to get me around. I guess it is just because I need to learn to be more humble. My phone going off at work humbled me, too. Joe called to say that Bonnie was in the ER with chest pains. I thought I had the ringer turned off, but it wasn’t. They made me leave work early with the warning that if it ever happened again I wouldn’t have a job.
I miss you. I am dealing with it a lot better than I thought that I would. I don’t know if at any time the ball will drop and I will have all the terrible emotions that I feared I would have or if, with the knowledge of where you are, what you are doing and why you are there, I will be able to pass through some of the trials without as much difficulty as some. Whatever comes I will deal with it. I’m thankful for your watchful eye. I know you are looking out after our family and me. I know that others need you more than I do right now. I love you so much. I long to hear you tell me, too.
I am going to Indy with the Pfiels today to see Dan and Rachel baby blessed. It is an honor to be invited. We are so blessed to have so many friends. In his talk at the funeral President Burdett said in all of his years of service in the church he had never seen such an outpouring of love and desire to help as he did with our family. And there certainly was a lot of that.
Things here will aggravate and slow my progression, but they will not stop me from coming to you. I love you, miss you and wish we could have been together until the end, but I will cling to the legacy you left me while I fight the raging tides of mortality.


March 3, 2009
Well, it’s been two weeks since I was able to touch your brow and whisper how much I love you. It seems unreal, yet I know it’s true. Somehow it seems so right. It seems like that is just how things are supposed to be, except for the turmoil and tension that surrounds me here. I love you!!

March 2009
HELLO sweetheart
My intention was to write to you every day, but thanks to friends and family I have been quite busy. Meghan brought me home from work four days this week. The van is still not fixed. It needs a new computer. Herb’s mechanic, Dean has been looking hard for a used one, but there doesn’t seem to be one in the area. The Bishop found a refurbished one for $250. That’s a lot of money plus installing it, but it is cheaper than buying another car that will probably brake down soon anyway.
I am going to work on the cookbooks really hard this week. Jeff is going to bring me home from work three days and he said he would help me install the web site so I can get it going. I pray that it will do well. I appreciate all the help you give me from the other side. I certainly need it. Right now I could use a hug. I long to lie in your arms and hear you tell me that you love me. Oh, honey, I miss you so much. The tears had almost stopped for the last week or so, but I feel the Holy Ghost withdrawing to allow me to heal. It is needed, and I should welcome it to get it over with. I just focus on the wonderful life we had together and the better eternity we will share with our other loved ones.
I went to the temple today. When we would be at the temple together and I would think of going to the temple without you, I didn’t feel like I would be able to do it for a long, long time. I had signed up. Or maybe you did, to go on the ward trip today so Bro. McGrew called to see if I was still going. I could think of a thousand reasons why I couldn’t, but while at work, as usual, I was reading in the BOM in 2 Nephi, the second to last chapter. It admonished me to pray over everything. Of course I knew that, but it seemed to jump out and slap me in the face. So I said a quick prayer about going to the temple. A warm feeling engulfed me and I could not deny that that is where I was suppose to spend my day. I called Bro. McGrew to see who was going. The only person who might give me a ride was Perry and he was at a ball game until 10 pm or so. Mike must have called the Bishop to tell him I wanted to go and the situation.
Time changes tonight. Remember last spring when we went in to church one hour late because we forgot to set our clocks ahead? It gave us a good chuckle to think we were so out of it. Ridges are going to pick me up for church tomorrow. It is so great to have love coming from every direction.
Tonight I could talk to you forever. I just don’t want to close down the computer. It’s like my lifeline to you, even if it is just pretend. Someday you will be able to read these words. I do believe what we write is recorded in the eternities. Well, my dear, let it be recorded that I love you more than I could ever love anyone. And I miss you like I would miss my heart if it were to leave my body. Don’t mind me. Do the work that you need to do there and I will try to endure to the end.

March 13,2009,
A month ago today we were planning our final temple trip together on this earth. It was a splendid day. We had a lot of quality time together on the way home. I’m sure you have been able to talk to some of the people whose work we had done. How cool is that? The next day we went to church, ate lunch, made love and took a short nap. Such a beautiful way to say goodbye. How could I have asked for a more perfect weekend, or life end then that? You and God were planning things together to get you where you needed to be and help me through the grief and pain in the process. Thank you both for that.
The days are getting a little harder now. The constant support, phone calls, letters, hugs are not so frequent as they were. I’m thankful they lasted as long as they did. I can still feel the prayers being sent up in our behalf.
The water is still giving me fits. We had a leak Monday that Tim and his friends fixed for me. Last night in the same vicinity something broke loose again. Tim has no Idea what to do about it, and I can’t get down there. I don’t know if to call my home teacher or have Fish come and look at it. I need to pray about it. Sometimes the load feels so heavy that I forget there are waiting arms to help me with it. You know how I hate being a bother about things. Bro. Pfiel has so much to do with his sick wife and commuting three hours a day. I know these are the things that kept you nervous and concerned.
I’ve been working on editing Worms in the Sandbox. I think that was your favorite story. I so hope I can get it published and a few of the others also. I really appreciate Bro. Sorensen and his job, but I know I will be struggling for the rest of my life just to find the money for essentials if that is where I stay. I’m just not sure where to begin. Any ideas?
How nice it would be to have just one hour a week to be able to sit down and talk to you, face to face. I love your face. What a handsome man you are. No wonder all the other women wanted to be in my shoes. I love you so much.
Depression is trying its cruel best to overcome me, but I am determined to not let it. I try to keep my thought positive. It is not easy. Some days, especially evenings, I sink into a slump. I guess the other little bumps in life keep things on a downhill slope. But I keep cranking my neck back to see that little slice of sunshine that you are sending my way. I’m just waiting for a day when the clouds will be less than the sun.
There are always a million things that I want to say to you while I am at work, or elsewhere, but when I get home I forget what they are. I guess the most important thing is to just say how much our years together meant to me, how grateful I am that you accepted me as I as am and how much my love for you grew throughout the years. I love you with every fiber of my being.
By the way, Some body the name of Harry, Ewhielmer, I think from the Manhattan High School reunion Committee wrote to invite you to the next gathering. I sent him the news of your passing and he asked if I would send a little information that he could share with the group. He said I wrote an eloquent letter on your behalf. I think you would like it. I wonder if you can be there to hear it read? That would be nice.
I have lots of things I need to do tonight. Many that I can’t do because of the lack of water, but some that I can. Although I’m not recording all my thoughts for you, that would take all day, everyday, I am thinking about you and how I long to touch you again. All my love, best wishes on whatever it is you are working on at this time, and pop in whenever you can. I love you. Good night.

Saturday March 14, 2009
Hi sweetheart. I don’t know where to start today. My insides are all squishy and uncomfortable. I feel the effects of depression without the chemical problems. What a blessing that is. The chemicals problems that comes with lack of sleep are the ones that I can’t do much about. At least these are somewhat reversible with positive thoughts and actions. It’s hard to think positive with all the little things that are plaguing us right now, but it could be much worse.
The phone just rang. Jeff is having chest pains. I pray for his safety. He’s only 25, I surely hope it is something not so threatening as heart trouble. I continually pray for our children’s spiritual safety and freedom from calamities, but it seldom occurs to me to pray for things like heart attacks. I really hate to burden you with such things. I know your work there is great and you have others to look out after. Remember when Jeff was conceived? You rolled over and said, “now you are pregnant”, so mater-of-factly that I thought you were kidding. You then went on to say that we would have three children, two boys and a girl, which we did, although I was not able to carry Sarah full term. You went on to say how the angels had leaped for joy when Jeff was sent to us. Why us dear? I am so unworthy of have such great spirits in my life as our sons, stepchildren included. I worry that I have not done everything I needed to do to keep them on the right track. I know they have their free agency, but I know that a lot of their decisions are tainted by the past. I pray that whatever I have done that has or will influence them negitively will be on my head, not theirs.